Authenticity is like a full time job and it is certainly not an easy one when you are not accustomed to set boundaries or have spent most of your life concerned about how sharing your true feelings or needs may possibly trigger a negative reaction in someone leaving you with a looming feeling of guilt for existing when things don’t pan out smoothly. And that’s the problem… not wanting life to have problems, yet often times, things don’t go where we may hope for them to and life is a challenging experience in of itself with so many lessons to learn. Some much easier than others. We may tend to avert taking a look at the hard lessons, because of the discomfort they bring…
However, the lessons we don’t learn, will continue to appear over and over and over …in a different dress. ‘Same same but different’, goes the saying in Thailand! Until we allow ourselves to see the problems we face as a challenge and an opportunity to learn to move through the discomfort they may bring, then they will follow us like haunting ghosts asking for the freedom of the afterlife. The challenge that has been clearly showing up for me has been learning how to be more authentic when it is time to setting boundaries… In the moment I don’t always know when a boundary has been crossed or how to react to it…
Recently, I have been working with horses and they have been teaching me a lot about the latter! One such experience was with Tony, the biggest male horse I’ve ever come close to. My instructor and I were standing in the male's paddock and he walked over to us. After petting him a couple times he did a sudden jerking motion with his head and knocked my head with his enormous jaw. Startled I took a step back, said ‘hey’ in a semi-soft and disappointed voice and then stood there perplexed and almost pretending like nothing happened. My instructor noticed and pointed out that I acted as though no boundary had really been crossed. She went on to explain that with a horse whether big or small, when they come into your space, you need to be able to make your energy big enough to shoo them away or give them a clue to stop when their behaviour is unsafe or unwanted. So I responded defensively: ‘I just took a step back, I figured it was easier’...
Ah yes, don’t we all want to do what seems easier… yet in turn I allowed Tony to shove me out of the space I was in and then allowed myself to remain in the presence of an animal that made me feel uncomfortable. In some cases, taking the easy route can create a harder one. The more we act as though we’re fine even when small boundaries are crossed, then it will be difficult to address when big ones are being crossed. Ultimately, Tony would not have been offended had I been assertive with him that it was not an acceptable behaviour by shooing him away, because horses are great teachers in that way, they don't take it so personally!
Learning boundaries is no easy task and it’s something I’ve slowly been working on for ages now it seems, though I see how moving in the world in an authentic manner requires this from us. It’s sometimes messy and not always how we want it to turn out, yet it is an essential part of the process of becoming just who you are and in the end for those around you to see you clearly as well. For the ones who truly respect you, will respect your needs and boundaries. Set your Self free and set your boundaries :)
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